out of the tunnel

Have you ever had a really tough battle in front of you? Or maybe you're in the middle of one right now.  Your dog died, your mom has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, you lost your job, your kid fell out of a tree and broken his leg, you wrecked the car, your husband had an affair, you get the idea.....bad stuff can and does happen .... to good folks, even.  

drove thru this mountain via this super cool underground tunnel

I understand hurt and pain.  I understand a broken heart....and I feel for those spilling tears tonight...soaking their pillow.  I've been there.  You NEVER know what someone is going through unless you've been in their shoes ... or a fly on their wall:)

My LAST 10 minutes!!!

Friday morning.

homemade apple pie. 

in the oven.

the smell is making its way up the stairs to my bedroom.  Tonight's big family BBQ looks like it could get rained out but I'm holding out hope and making pie in faith.

I set the kitchen timer for 10 minutes. This represents the LAST 10 minutes of freedom ....for ....about .....15 months.  I will then pickup my boys from the "bus stop" ... you gotta see the video to experience our bus stop farm style ....

This marks the end of my transition period.

Me.... on a giant dimmer switch

So I read this story today…just now….about a lady who has postpartum depression and wanted to speak out to shed light on Postpartum Depression Awareness Month…(the month of May).  She posted very candid pictures of her good days and her bad days…side by side.  Transparent and vulnerable...love her!

this shot represents how I felt all those years of living
in the dark...in the prison of inexplicable depression

In her story Kathy DiVincenzo says "We need to break the stigma and #EndTheSilence by sharing our stories and letting others know they're not alone.”   Read her compelling story here.   Her talented photographer friend, Danielle Fantis, who took all the pictures, also shared her heart wrenching story.  Read it here. It was her May 3rd post. 

So to Kathy and Danielle I’d like to say…..thank you … so very much with sugar and sprinkles on top for sharing such a moving story and not being ashamed to the point of silence!!!  You inspired me to tell my story.

Soooooo….that leaves us here….you and me…

Before I dive right in to whatever story parts we’re going to discuss in this post you should head over to the blog and read the first depression confessional I posted.  It was my first time EVER stepping out and admitting I had a problem. 

Depression….anxiety….mental illness in general has such a stinky stigma.  So few people ever have the nerve or wherewithal to tell their dark stories.  I have some dark stories my friend.  But it wasn’t like a light switch went off right after I had my first child…it was more like the overhead lighting was on a dimmer switch and it just kept getting darker and darker.  Harder and harder to face life.

another new beginning....seems they are coming at me left and right.

Beginnings.

I love beginnings.  Movies, books, days, vacations, friendships ... ice cream cones.  The only exception could be learning this dang guitar....it's not an easy task, if I might say so.

the beginning of the garage wall mural started with the green grass

This is a new beginning for us.  A totally new, fresh,

Perfectly orchestrated...yet, facing impossibilities

In all honesty, and shockingly so, my life feels pretty. perfectly. orchestrated. at the moment.  Don’t get me wrong there are obstacles.  

Impossible Looking Roadblocks, more like.

However, in all of our imperfect circumstances and stupid insecurities and among all the questioning and doubt, I find myself … grateful in this moment….excited about my future.

Finding ME...embracing the discovery.

In all the striving I find peace.  I find rest in the midst of the motion of life that surrounds me.  This is a shocker to me.  I had no idea I would be in this place.

I’m sure you’ve been there…so busy your head is spinning and you can’t figure out which task to pickup next or why you can’t get 37 things done at the same time.  You know I have this entire house to go through …inch by inch…drawer by drawer…closet by closet.

Surprise visit HOME...shock and awe.

I'm getting way thrilled, to say the least, about this wild journey ahead we've fittingly coined  "The long way home" (seems to be the best way to describe it as we'll be finding our next home somewhere along the way.)  Read here. Or watch the YouTube video here. 

planting, watering and growing...in this life...all around...now begins the adventure

(I wrote this a few days ago while nearing the end of our little Texas Spring Break adventure…read on.)

Talk about a long way home....Last Thursday evening about 5pm...after a brief discussion of what we'd do on our upcoming Spring Break we decided to load up the Land Rover and set our sails for Texas (16 hours away) to visit family and friends.  Within literally 2 hours of packing we were on our way.

A Giant Journey...our BIG news

Life is one grand adventure.  Occasionally this adventure seems to take on a life of its own.  When I started traveling in my early 20’s I developed a passion for seeing new places and meeting new people.  The desire for greater adventure and experiences seemed to be coursing through my veins at an exponential speed. I was hooked.

The elephant in the room

I’m a firm believer in getting out of your cozy little comfort zone of limiting beliefs and insecurities.  This is more often than not, easier said than done.  My case is no different.  

I recently enrolled in a speaker challenge through a

a dream for your life...a fresh start.

A new year is approaching.  A chance to begin again.  A fresh start.  Will you set a new year’s resolution?  Will you keep it?  I’m not a huge fan of them, myself.  They’re just something we start and never finish; then laugh about it 6 months later as you pass the fitness center eating a donut from the Tipton Bakery.  Just saying.  

Don’t get my wrong…I believe its

What's hiding in your drawers?

I have a secret candy stash.  I used to call it a chocolate stash until recently when I opened a desk drawer to find lolly pops, skittles, gum and sweet tarts.  Halloween candy remnants.  They’re all over…..the shoe closet, lingerie drawer,  office desk, kitchen cupboards, laundry room and even the garage.

There may be a problem here but I can’t give it a thought now.   

laying it all out there...in the pit.

Outside, the sun is shining.  The first snowfall is melting slowly away.  The boys are at school.  Marc is working.  I’ve spent the morning soaking up Bible verses, reading some of Michael J. Fox’s memoir Lucky Man, and researching further this messy business of bipolar depression disorder.   I hate it.  The label, the symptoms, and even the fact that I’m forced to take medication to keep me “level”.  

Truthfully, I miss the high (or manic). 

I got so much done. 

I was more fun. 

I didn’t need sleep and life was certainly more entertaining.  

They say one of the biggest struggles with bipolar folks is continually taking their meds.  I get that.  I would LOVE to get off but last time I ran out of one of my medications for a few days it sent me into a tailspin of sorts.  So, trust me, I get it.    But I wanna scream!!!  I wanna cry for a day and wake up to a better feeling tomorrow.  Bury my head in the proverbial sand.

I certainly DON’T want to open up and share any of this with a soul.  I want to look and feel good and spread joy and hope all the time.  

   

transition, even death ... then gratitude

Newly designed, created and installed curtains hung in the large picture window in the kitchen…reward for skipping last night’s sleep. But dang, it looks good!

               Laundry and cleaning day, kids, errands, repair something, make phone calls….and on and on and on.  This was my life

Oh yes I am!

Welcome to my thought filled early evening run.

Shine some light: reach beyond your comfort zone

I have been blessed with several beautiful women in my life.  I mean LOADS!  So I thought I’d feature one today.  Since I have no idea if she’ll like the thought of me writing a blog about her I’ve decided until she approves I will change her name for the purpose of my story.  

So this friend “Lola” has inspired me multiple times since the beginning of our friendship.  I feel like I missed out on a huge opportunity during the short time we were neighbors.  You see I think she was supposed to be my design mentor for a season yet somehow I managed to avoid

Just one of my heartbreaking stories with a comical twist

Life is good!  I mean really GOOD!  But, on the other hand, it can get pretty ugly.  Did you realize our thoughts have a major impact on the direction and quality of our lives.  Dr. Caroline Leaf has found that  "75% to 95% of the illnesses that plague us today are a direct result of our thought life. What we think about affects us physically and emotionally."

Twenty Seven times, yesterday alone, I found myself wrestling with negative, self-doubting thoughts.   I'm a mess.  I'm all over the place.  What am I even doing with my life? We've all been there, right?  

Someone needs YOU!!

Bluer than blue skies speckled with fluffy whites all across the sky....it's my view. Surrounded on 3 sides by corn so big I'm drawing the conclusion it was injected with some growth hormone.

Anyway, the family is taking a wee Sunday snooze while I soak in the sun;

Staring 40 in the face

Fear has no hold on me.

I’m looking into this year with great expectancy and anticipation.  More so than any other year in my life.   In this moment of clarity, bravery is my close companion.  Will there be days ahead of insecurities or doubt?  Most likely, but I will face those days with patience and prayer…and a sound mind.   I want to live in each moment fully and optimistically; purposefully making lasting memories.  I wish to decorate each chapter as best I can using what God has graciously and abundantly gifted me.   In doing so I believe some good people will be encouraged to see the beauty in everyday simplicities and ultimately learn to Live Decorated in their own special way.   We’re all on this planet for a purpose and each of us should utilize our gifts to lift each other up and make a difference in the lives of those around us.    

New Year New Me....time for new you too

Coming home on the red eye flight from Cali

"because that's not your story"

Because that’s not your story...

These words reverberate in my brain space as I drive down Main Street contemplating the beautiful yet irritating story unfolding in my neck of the woods.  A story of a local gal, a mutual friend of many friends, who struck it big when one of her blog posts landed her a spot on The Today Show.

the dream from a distance...ANYTHING is possible if you only believe.

HUH?!? 

Yes, you read correctly...The Today Show.  Now that I have your attention