Me.... on a giant dimmer switch

So I read this story today…just now….about a lady who has postpartum depression and wanted to speak out to shed light on Postpartum Depression Awareness Month…(the month of May).  She posted very candid pictures of her good days and her bad days…side by side.  Transparent and vulnerable...love her!

this shot represents how I felt all those years of living
in the dark...in the prison of inexplicable depression

In her story Kathy DiVincenzo says "We need to break the stigma and #EndTheSilence by sharing our stories and letting others know they're not alone.”   Read her compelling story here.   Her talented photographer friend, Danielle Fantis, who took all the pictures, also shared her heart wrenching story.  Read it here. It was her May 3rd post. 

So to Kathy and Danielle I’d like to say…..thank you … so very much with sugar and sprinkles on top for sharing such a moving story and not being ashamed to the point of silence!!!  You inspired me to tell my story.

Soooooo….that leaves us here….you and me…

Before I dive right in to whatever story parts we’re going to discuss in this post you should head over to the blog and read the first depression confessional I posted.  It was my first time EVER stepping out and admitting I had a problem. 

Depression….anxiety….mental illness in general has such a stinky stigma.  So few people ever have the nerve or wherewithal to tell their dark stories.  I have some dark stories my friend.  But it wasn’t like a light switch went off right after I had my first child…it was more like the overhead lighting was on a dimmer switch and it just kept getting darker and darker.  Harder and harder to face life.

What are you feeding?

faith or doubt? future or past?

Whatever you starve has no opportunity to grow.  Without food something surely dies.  What are you spending your energy on?  That’s what will grow and flourish.

My past is littered with pain, constant change, failures and on the other hand, major adventures and travel.  As you may already know, I was diagnosed with

laying it all out there...in the pit.

Outside, the sun is shining.  The first snowfall is melting slowly away.  The boys are at school.  Marc is working.  I’ve spent the morning soaking up Bible verses, reading some of Michael J. Fox’s memoir Lucky Man, and researching further this messy business of bipolar depression disorder.   I hate it.  The label, the symptoms, and even the fact that I’m forced to take medication to keep me “level”.  

Truthfully, I miss the high (or manic). 

I got so much done. 

I was more fun. 

I didn’t need sleep and life was certainly more entertaining.  

They say one of the biggest struggles with bipolar folks is continually taking their meds.  I get that.  I would LOVE to get off but last time I ran out of one of my medications for a few days it sent me into a tailspin of sorts.  So, trust me, I get it.    But I wanna scream!!!  I wanna cry for a day and wake up to a better feeling tomorrow.  Bury my head in the proverbial sand.

I certainly DON’T want to open up and share any of this with a soul.  I want to look and feel good and spread joy and hope all the time.  

   

The Run of our Lives

The chilled wind is blowing. The sun is shining brightly.  The ground is still wet from last night’s rain.  Perfect morning for a little run….well, the pace at which I “run” might be better referred to as a light jog but for my world of happy I’ve decided to say I RUN:)   

Yesterday I had an epiphany of sorts while I ran this course.  It reminded me of life.  

Someone needs YOU!!

Bluer than blue skies speckled with fluffy whites all across the sky....it's my view. Surrounded on 3 sides by corn so big I'm drawing the conclusion it was injected with some growth hormone.

Anyway, the family is taking a wee Sunday snooze while I soak in the sun;

Staring 40 in the face

Fear has no hold on me.

I’m looking into this year with great expectancy and anticipation.  More so than any other year in my life.   In this moment of clarity, bravery is my close companion.  Will there be days ahead of insecurities or doubt?  Most likely, but I will face those days with patience and prayer…and a sound mind.   I want to live in each moment fully and optimistically; purposefully making lasting memories.  I wish to decorate each chapter as best I can using what God has graciously and abundantly gifted me.   In doing so I believe some good people will be encouraged to see the beauty in everyday simplicities and ultimately learn to Live Decorated in their own special way.   We’re all on this planet for a purpose and each of us should utilize our gifts to lift each other up and make a difference in the lives of those around us.