Me.... on a giant dimmer switch

So I read this story today…just now….about a lady who has postpartum depression and wanted to speak out to shed light on Postpartum Depression Awareness Month…(the month of May).  She posted very candid pictures of her good days and her bad days…side by side.  Transparent and vulnerable...love her!

this shot represents how I felt all those years of living
in the dark...in the prison of inexplicable depression

In her story Kathy DiVincenzo says "We need to break the stigma and #EndTheSilence by sharing our stories and letting others know they're not alone.”   Read her compelling story here.   Her talented photographer friend, Danielle Fantis, who took all the pictures, also shared her heart wrenching story.  Read it here. It was her May 3rd post. 

So to Kathy and Danielle I’d like to say…..thank you … so very much with sugar and sprinkles on top for sharing such a moving story and not being ashamed to the point of silence!!!  You inspired me to tell my story.

Soooooo….that leaves us here….you and me…

Before I dive right in to whatever story parts we’re going to discuss in this post you should head over to the blog and read the first depression confessional I posted.  It was my first time EVER stepping out and admitting I had a problem. 

Depression….anxiety….mental illness in general has such a stinky stigma.  So few people ever have the nerve or wherewithal to tell their dark stories.  I have some dark stories my friend.  But it wasn’t like a light switch went off right after I had my first child…it was more like the overhead lighting was on a dimmer switch and it just kept getting darker and darker.  Harder and harder to face life.

The elephant in the room

I’m a firm believer in getting out of your cozy little comfort zone of limiting beliefs and insecurities.  This is more often than not, easier said than done.  My case is no different.  

I recently enrolled in a speaker challenge through a

laying it all out there...in the pit.

Outside, the sun is shining.  The first snowfall is melting slowly away.  The boys are at school.  Marc is working.  I’ve spent the morning soaking up Bible verses, reading some of Michael J. Fox’s memoir Lucky Man, and researching further this messy business of bipolar depression disorder.   I hate it.  The label, the symptoms, and even the fact that I’m forced to take medication to keep me “level”.  

Truthfully, I miss the high (or manic). 

I got so much done. 

I was more fun. 

I didn’t need sleep and life was certainly more entertaining.  

They say one of the biggest struggles with bipolar folks is continually taking their meds.  I get that.  I would LOVE to get off but last time I ran out of one of my medications for a few days it sent me into a tailspin of sorts.  So, trust me, I get it.    But I wanna scream!!!  I wanna cry for a day and wake up to a better feeling tomorrow.  Bury my head in the proverbial sand.

I certainly DON’T want to open up and share any of this with a soul.  I want to look and feel good and spread joy and hope all the time.  

   

old post....days after daddy died...never published

I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus through all this mess! God is the Source of my strength.

more proof of my mail box fascination.....checking his mail the day ..
no answers there unfortunately

As you may or may not know my father passed away suddenly this weekend.  (January 27th 2012)

I don't know what words to put together to express ... the....

I was supernaturally healed last night! Wooohooo!!!!

Yesterday was one goopy mess of a hard day for me is all I can say...thank God I had a couple really good friends reach out & bring me back to the reality that I know and am loved by a pretty AMAZING God!!!

Movie time...last night Marc & I watched a movie we borrowed from a lady at church.

Finger of God is a remarkable movie/documentary of the miracles God is doing around the globe.  Love what Shara had to say about the fire of God's Love.  For a couple hours I forgot about my pain…physical & emotional.  God is a BIG God...nothing is impossible with Him!

short background as to why I have been experiencing chronic pain for over 20 years on a daily basis:  I had a ruptured disc with emergency surgery when I was around 14 (hours away from paralization according to Neuro Surgeon)then fractured my skull twice with horse accidents about 10 years apart.  My spine was a tad crooked to say the least.  At the end Sid Roth prayed over everyone watching ... he specifically mentioned someone with spine problems & pain...I stood up right there in our study & received healing for my back, neck & even my right shoulder.  Right here...just accepted the free gift.    

Today I've been doing all sorts of things trying to get my emotions, body & house back on track through this grieving process (check out My Daddy page if you're here for the first time).  Guess what folks....I have not felt one twinge of pain anywhere!!!  Did you hear me....ALL DAY!   Hopefully you didn’t know about the pain because I made every attempt to NOT complain & to keep my words in line with His Word. 

So let me say it one more time...HEALED!!!!  Get that movie...watch it.  Also, read How to Live and Not Die by Norvel Hayes...you will be blessed.  The awesome thing is God wants you healed...it IS His will!  We must come to the Kingdom like a child.  Believe that He is, that He loves YOU, that healing is yours.  Ooo man I could preach!

How can I even be ashamed about Jesus...look what He's done for me.  I want you all to experience His love, peace, joy, healing & provision.  Big things this year my friend!!!  Kisses and love....thanks for all the prayers! 

HEALED!!!!

Trish